I’m going back on my word. I will discuss this a bit more.  

What seems odd to me is that some people or person, is under the impression that this decision to divorce was made as easily as deciding to color my hair, or mow the yard Wednesday instead of Thursday.  

 

If I was a bitch I’d tell you to fix your dress because your bitterness is showing, but I’m not really a bitch so of course I won’t say that. I’d also tell you to direct this bitterness toward the proper person, ‘cause I ain’t her. Oh right, not being a bitch sorry that one slipped.  

Maybe you’re new to this whole “real world” thing but heartache happens every day, and not a damn person has control over it.

 

 I do my best every waking moment to protect my children from it and comfort them and despite my best efforts it happens anyway.  I have tried and tried to no avail to get people not to die, to get wars to end, to save them from getting their feelings hurt by friends. And, believe it or not I did try to save them from the heartache of their mom and dad getting a divorce. 

 Don’t you dare assume this was decided on a whim. Don’t you dare assume that this doesn’t break my heart every day.  My heart beats for my kids.  There have been days that I have only taken breaths because they exist.  

You can call it selfish. Ya know what ? I don’t care if you call it orange. It is what it is.  

My kids also deserve to have a mom and dad that are happy. Happy to be alive, happy to wake up every day, happy to just be.  

They deserve to see that in life you do have to make hard choices that hurt. They need to know that even if it does hurt for awhile it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.  They have to know that they have the right to be happy whether they are 12 or 30.  

Call it selfish.

But for you to suggest that we all suffer through the pain and not be happy for the rest of our lives, is doing the one thing you think I’m doing now and being selfish. They are children, they know when people are hurting and unhappy. 

Why would it be better to make them suffer through it every day to look back and wonder why we put them through hell instead of making the choice we’ve made.       

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Lulu Says:

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

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Sarah Says

Hi Jess. I'm just checking in on you and hope everything is going okay or as okay as it can go right now. Hope to hear from you sometime soon!

Nov 17, 2008

I also thought

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having to have a smooth-ass car & nicer clothes in my 20's, was that "post-teen" or "pre-adult" life crisis? lol...seriously...
.
Life is filled with challenges, milestones & change.
That last part is the hardest. Wishing everyone the best in
this situation...

Nov 16, 2008

Nancy G.

I can't even get past the mid-life crisis comments and how that relates to anyone in their 30's. Early 30's at that...it's not mid-life imho, it's just life.

Tell me about midlife when I reach 50 -- that's way more than 2 months away here so I don't want to think about it just yet, K?

hugZ Jess ~ I'm here if you ever want to email/talk. ~N

Nov 11, 2008

Hope you can work it out.

I have been through a nasty divorce.

At the end of the day it is sort of about the two of you.

But more so it is about your children. They would rather be in a stable happy, one parent home, than a miserable two parent home. Kids know way more than we adults think. No matter what you do or say to each other, make sure that you are making the kids the top priority, they need to see that at the end of the day, no matter the address, mom and dad will be there for them.

I came to you via my friend Kat's blog.

Nov 11, 2008

the messenger

It seems to be that the messenger has far too much time on her hands, and no arena in real life for her to preach to. She obviously wants to think of herself as an expert in the psychology of relationships. If she wants to drone out advice like that then maybe should go get some formal education. Until then she should give up her soapbox. She should not give that kind of advice unless she knows all of what is going on. This is not a midlife crisis.
m

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Damn...
This is getting brutal.
Sounds like "Ex Hubs" is against a divorce. Or at least pissed at the fact that the people who read your blogs are supportive of your feelings and not necessarily 'your divorce' that's what it is for me anyhow I don't want to weigh my opinion on divorce or make you think my opinion even matters just know that friends are made over simple conversations via the net these days and friends are supportive.

As for the Short novel wrote by the "messenger" I am gonna go out on a limb and guess you are the poster from the previous thread feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

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Nov 08, 2008

Damn... lots of people on

Damn... lots of people on here weighing in when they dont have all of the details. Who are you to judge when you dont know? Now I have never been married and I do not have kids but I have known Jess since we were 15 and I can say that she's a tough cookie. It's not like she's throwing in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Years and years of sacraficing will eventually take its toll. Everyone deserves to be happy in life, and I'm sorry, happy doesnt mean staying married for the sake of your kids to live a lie. My neices and nephew are smart- they'll figure it out, if they havent already. That's about as ignorant and getting married because you're pregnant. Obviously, splitting up isnt the most ideal situation, but welcome to the real world here people. This is the school of hard knox here, REAL LIFE. So for those of you who want to make Jess feel bad for going through with this divorce, be honest with yourself and try and put yourself in her shoes. I guaran-damn-te you would do the exact same thing. Everyone has a right to their opinion... dont get me wrong, but she definately doesnt deserve to get the 3rd degree here. Offer support assholes!

I love ya Jess and you know I'm here for you and my angels :)

-AuntieM

Nov 07, 2008

You don't need us to tell you anything......YOU KNOW

It's been awhile.....I just pop in out of the blue and I see a lot is going on with you. Except for your lack of judgement in regard to being a KU fan...lol...you are one of my favorite bloggers, so yeah it goes without saying I know this is hard for you. Hell I wouldn't even have the nuts to discuss it in a blog. I wish you the best.
T_B_N

Nov 07, 2008

One more thing to say...

I've read you since you opened your blog on MSN Spaces. I know you through your blog and I've met you in person. I know you to be one of the sweetest young women I've ever met and you are an awesome Momma.

I was going to leave it at that but this commenter you have... this "Messenger" person is annoying me.

What is WRONG with this person?

She states that she does not know you but then she feels it is her duty to hoist her advice and meaningless statistics upon you and then judge you at the same time. What kind of crap is that?

Her obsession with "mid-life crisis" is alarming. Perhaps she is mentally ill.

Anyway... I would hope that you take her words for exactly what they are... GARBAGE!

Take care sweets,
KZ

Nov 07, 2008

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors

The bottom line is this...You have to live with the choices you make in life....right, wrong or indifferent. I just find it so hard to believe that some people think "counseling" will make everything better. I hate to be so pessimistic, but for the most part people do not change, no matter how much counseling they receive...Jess I can remember a few stories you have told me regarding your life with your husband and I remember thinking to myself, "Why would she let herself be treated that way?" I have seen you trying to avoid confrontation and to make things work and now I realize, that is how I was living my life too....I know you did not make this decision on a whim. I know that you have your kids best interest at heart. Why would anyone choose to go through this terrible thing we call divorce? My brother-in-law told me that when he and his parents were living together, it was a living hell! All the screaming and arguing and craziness! He is 30 years old now and told me the BEST thing his parents ever did was get a divorce. Were they sad? Yes! Did they cry? YES! Sometimes he wanted his parents to get back together, not because they should, but because little kids want the comfort of having two parents. But he said they were so relieved at being in a peaceful home. No yelling, no screaming, no drama. I don't want my kids growing up worried about the fighting and arguing and verbal insults I had to endure in the hope, "Of keeping the family together." Divorce sucks, but what sucks more? Having kids in a horrible environment of two parents who do not get along? Or having the kids in an environment where there is some peace? Even though I have to still deal with the craziness of my STBX mind games and digs, my children's lives are better than were before. Sure we live in different homes, but they get to have ME. The real ME! Not the broken, scared, shell of a woman I was before. You will find your way through all this...and I believe your kids someday will respect you for this decision you have made. They may not understand it now. But they do grow up and they will understand.

You are in my prayers,
V.

Nov 07, 2008

Sarah Says:

Wow, there are some pretty intense comments on this one! All I have to say is you just need to do what you need to. It WILL all work out in the end.

Nov 07, 2008

Lulu Says:

Holy Shiz. Where exactly did the train derail?

Nov 07, 2008

Go Ahead, Shoot the Messenger

I wish I had known then what I know now. The reason why I'm posting on this blog is exactly BECAUSE i wasn't able to help my best friend, because I didn't know as much about the issue as I do now.

Like breast cancer and heart disease, early detection and intervention is the key. I'm no therapist, and the standard disclaimer applies ("This advice given here is only meant as general guidance; for your specific divorce crisis situation, please consult the appropriate professionals."

Unfortunately, the female midlife crisis is one that is often not recognized as such. Unlike the male midlife crisis, the female doesn't go buy the shiny red sports car, get a hair transplant, and move to California, leaving the kids behind.

I have said throughout my posts that I DON'T KNOW JESS. I don't know her specific situation. Her issues may be COMPLETELY unrelated to female mid-life crisis. But from what I've read, I suspect it may at least be playing a part.

As the baby boomers and Generation X age, this is going to be a HUGE issue ... but it's largely anecdotal at this point, so that's why it isn't getting the attention it needs.

But with the social and economic cost to the country of divorces, I think you'll see more people looking at WHY the divorce rate is increasing ... and why the suicide rate for middle-age women is on the increase as well.

quote:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – U.S. suicide rates appear to be on the rise, driven mostly by middle-aged white women, researchers reported on Tuesday.

They found a disturbing increase in suicides between 1999 and 2005 and said the pattern had changed in an unmistakable way -- although the reasons behind the change are not clear.

The overall suicide rate rose 0.7 percent during this time, but the rate for white men aged 40 to 64 rose 2.7 percent and for middle-aged women 3.9 percent, the team at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore found.

"The biggest increase that we have seen between 1999 and 2005 was the increase in poisoning suicide in women -- that went up by 57 percent," said Susan Baker, a professor in injury prevention with a special expertise in suicide.

Writing in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, Baker, Guoqing Hu and colleagues said they analyzed publicly available death certificate data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

"The results underscore a change in the epidemiology of suicide, with middle-aged whites emerging as a new high-risk group," Baker said in a statement.

/quote

Look, I tried to help my best friend, but I didn't realize it was a mid-list crisis until it was too late (although, now that I know it, it was a "textbook" case -- with the exception that she didn't abandon her kids, which happens in about 40% of the cases, by my estimate.)

I'm hoping more attention gets placed on this issue to help those who are merely in mid-life TRANSITION to help them understand what they're feeling, before it gets to the CRISIS stage.

But it's obvious that my efforts are futile here.

Good luck, Jess.

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